Return to the Dark

seasonal musings as the clocks change

Hello Dear Circlers

Welcome to this new form of Musings by Mitlé. This is a long one and I invite you settle in with a cup of tea, perhaps with your journal to hand and join me for this very personal story.

Before we begin, there is a trigger warning:

TW// car accident; death of a mother

If you would prefer to skip the story, you can scroll to the bottom to see what I’m reading and listening to and for upcoming Circle and course details.

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Let Us Begin

It is nearly the end of October, the festival of Samhain is upon us and we are stepping into the long dark days of winter.

When I left the UK in 2006 for a career break, I had spent years struggling with anxiety and depression which worsened in the winter. After settling in Perth, Western Australia it seemed that the sunshine and nearly continual “good” weather was the panacea for my woes. Except that every year, towards the end of October I would get anxious, tearful, afraid and pain in the left side of my body flared up.

Not Forgotten

To borrow from Bessel van der Kolk, the body keeps the score.

It took me a long time to understand why this turning point of the year was so challenging regardless of the season I was in.

In October 2018 having sold nearly all of our belongings and preparing to fly to the UK to be nearer family, I was again feeling anxious, very emotional and scared.

I assumed it was the big move but something called me to look again; and somewhere in the space of stepping out of our known life prised open a big enough crack for me to realise what was happening.

November is both my birthday month, and the anniversary of a fatal car accident. It was a two car collision. I was one of the drivers.  The passenger in the other car died at the scene. She was in the car with her family; that day her husband lost his wife, her children lost their mother and their children have never known their grandmother. 

I had just turned 18.

I have spent my whole adult life convinced that there was a cosmic error.

Every time I experience joy or success or pleasure or I feel true happiness, it is immediately tainted with the thought that this is not mine to deserve. The thoughts are compounded by the feelings that I'm not grateful enough, I don't do enough good in the world and I haven’t achieved enough to validate being alive.

I have navigated life carrying the burden that there needs to be a powerful and meaningful reason that I am here, and felt shame for becoming a mother when another family have had to live without theirs.

I am perpetually swinging on a pendulum from self-destruction, to re-devoting myself to being of service. 

And now, November is also the the anniversary month of our relocation to the UK and the still present grief for the life we left (that’s a story for another time).

In a few days time I will turn 48 and whilst I have learnt to cherish the privilege of ageing, later in the month will be the 28th anniversary of the accident and then the 4th anniversary of arriving back in the UK.

This time of year is not challenging for me because of the seasonal darkness, but because the darkest part of the year is also the darkest time of my psycho-spiritual wellbeing.

The Medicine of Circle

Over the last (nearly) three decades, when I have tentatively shared this part of my story with others, I have experienced how unhelpful advice can be, how damaging judgment can be, how frustrating sympathy can be, and how harmful platitudes can be. 

In my essay, Birthing the Circle, I shared how my pregnancy first brought me to Circle. You can read that here:

Birthing the Circle

It is in Circle that I have experienced the power of being held with patience, of being heard with love and of being witnessed with compassion when we share our stories.

It is in Circle that I have experienced the most profound moments of my own healing journey because of the absence of offers to fix, heal, save or rescue me.

It is in Circle through the mystical synergy of mutual courage and compassion that I have felt seen and accepted on this ever unfolding journey of transformation.

I am deeply grateful to every woman that I have sat in Circle with; in the act of sharing in Circle, I have learnt to be with the pain, the sadness, the grief, the shame and the guilt, and slowly expanding my capacity for acceptance and gently making room for joy and pleasure.

I no longer define myself by the labels I've been given such as anxiety, depression and PTSD. 

I no longer tolerate "everything happens for a reason" or "it happened “for” you not “to” you" or "it could have happened to anyone".

I am no longer seeking a deeper meaning to the accident or needing it to serve a higher purpose that I can understand.  

The Ongoing Unfolding

And, I no longer pretend that I don't still think about it nearly every day; every time I get into a car, every time I hug my beautiful wildling, every morning that I watch the sunrise, and wonder why it happened.

And yet despite its’ enduring presence, my mind forgets the anniversary, although as I have learnt, my body does not.

This year, I was able to remember in advance and make conscious choices about how I want to spend the month of November.

I recognised that I had the capacity to hold a Circle for the powerful festival of Samhain, and in that recognition the Circle arrived fully formed into my consciousness. And so, I will begin November in Circle when I hold my first Samhain Circle with the theme of regeneration and renewal.

After Circle I will travel to the coast where we have booked a beautiful converted stables for three nights away with my parents. Some of my happiest childhood memories involve horses, so waking up on my birthday in a converted stables feels significant.

As for the rest of the month, my intention is take it slowly, to nourish my body, to tend to my own regeneration and renewal, and to show up for you, this community of Circle Holders, with my heart open and my desire to contribute meaningfully to this modern Circle movement in a way that invites complexity, deep thinking and a willingness to hold the tensions of our times.

Thank you for reading

One of the guiding principles of my work is to be the truest expression of ourselves as Circle Holders. This does not mean we have to publicly share every facet of our lived narrative. Circles are not a substitute for, or alternative to therapy.

Each of us is a mirror, and through Circles I have come to a deep understanding of the power of sharing.  My intention in sharing today, is a wobbly attempt to demonstrate that with awareness and dedication, we can do our work whilst still in recovery.

We can deepen our capacity to hold space for others through the practice of holding space for ourselves through the tension of pain and joy, grief and gratitude, fear and love.

I invite you to be witness to my story, to use it for reflection and if you feel called to, to share a word or two in the comments.

With you in this evolutionary-revolutionary movement

Mitlé

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Please read on for Circle and course details, and listening and reading suggestions.

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A Samhain Circle - Return to the Dark

Our Circle takes place on Tuesday 1st November at 10am GMT. At the time of writing, I have the capacity for you to join us if you feel called to do so.

Circle Skills

If you've been seeking a mentor to guide you to create your own Circles, or, you are an experienced Circle Holder who wants to reconnect with your vision and replenish your Circle medicine bag, and don't have the time, funds or desire to join a 4+ month live training, Circle Skills is your course! 

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What I’m Reading

Conflict Is Not Abuse by Sarah Schulman

This book was recommended by Kelly Diels and I have been reading it for quite some time! As a former litigation and compliance lawyer turned Circle Holder, I have found it to be provocative with much to ponder. Sarah Schulman invites us to think more deeply about the culture of blaming and victimhood, and how we can understand our roles in conflict. Although as Circle Holders we many not be directly involved in conflict resolution, these are issues and skills that will help us navigate conflict in our own lives and bring a deeper understanding and willingness to address conflict in the spaces we hold and facilitate.

From the front flap:

This deep, brave and bold work reveals how punishment replaces personal and collective self-criticism, and shows why difference is so often used to justify cruelty and shunning.

The Wheel of the Year by Rebecca Beattie

I must confess that I was absolutely thrilled to receive an advance copy of this beautiful book from the publishers! It’s no secret that books are most of my favourite things and I love to share them. Anyway, I had to remember to read this objectively. I started with the Samhain chapter and intend to read it as a companion over the coming year.

It is s a beautiful blend of personal story, poetry, thoughtful and researched history together with suggestions for rituals and ways to celebrate each festival. Rebecca Beattie shares the dates for both Northern and Southern Hemisphere together with the themes, planet, direction, Tarot card and astrology sign for each season.

From the back cover:

Nurture yourself through the turning of the seasons with the Wheel of the Year: an enchanting celebration of eight key restorative moments in nature’s cycle - from solstices and equinoxes to those midpoints in-between.

Ancestors, A Pre-History of Britain in seven burials by Alice Roberts

This was recommended to me by my dear friend @rewovenstories and it is fascinating! I am committed to root my work in the wisdom traditions of my ancestors and my cultural heritage and so along side mythology, I am fascinated with archaeology and what we can learn from it. This book is a beautiful journey back in time and an insight into who we are.

From the back cover:

This is a book about belonging: about walking in ancient places, in the footsteps of the ancestors. It explores our interconnected global ancestry, and the human experience that binds us all together. It's about reaching back in time, to find ourselves, and our place in the world.

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My favourite podcast episode this week:

Wild with Sarah Wilson: KIERAN SETIYA: How to love living a hard life

Here’s the blurb:

I talk with Kieran Setiya, a professor of philosophy at MIT, who argues we should #NotLiveOurBestLife. It’s better to aspire to a life that is, well, good enough. In his latest book, Life is Hard, he draws on Aristotle, Wittgenstein, and Simone Weil - as well as Groundhog Day and Joan Didion – to guide us to a good life, which entails embracing pain and hardship.

I listened to this as I drove to the Cotswolds to visit my brother last week and it was perfect timing. I found it intriguing and reassuring and will be ordering his book!

Talking of Podcasts:

The Circle School Podcast took a sabbatical at the end of 2019 and then I just never got back to it. However, it has been calling me for a while now and I keep coming across people that I would love to share my chats with. I’m reimagining the format and how to host it but before I get carried away, I’d love to know if you’d like to see it make a come back?!

Thank you so much for letting me know.